All's Fair In Love And Football
by Britannia Eitwards
Summary: A semione shot about the gang Phil, Keely, Dana, Via, James, & Brad and a Thanksgiving Football game.
1. Part One

**A/N: OMG! It's been a ferociously long time, and I am soooo sorry, but so much has been going on that none of you probably care about, but since I like sharing I'll tell you anyway, first of all, our school's newspaper room was, well, I won't say robbed, 'cause it wasn't, _really _'robbed', but it was kind of taken advantage of, see, our school is a private school, so _how _or _why _anyone would take anything from the room unless they go to the school, but Mr. Robinsfield was _furious. _Anyway, some printers and files were taken, and one monitor, that was it. But Lizzie, (one of my best friends, and the author of the classic, All You Need Is Love,) blames herself for it, do not ask why, none of us are really sure, anyway, I've taken so long to write a new story because so much has been going on trying to catch the purp., and keeping Lizzie from having a nervous breakdown, and all sorts of other things, my goodness, plus my mother _and _father both caught the flu, and it was up to me, and only me to take care of both of them, but my Dad, has never admitted to an illness in his entire life, so he kind of helped, but not much:P. ANYWAYS, this story is the newest installment, kind of, lol. This is after Once Upon A Midnight Wizard, but not quite as far ahead as Lizzie's story, even though her and my stories don't connect…is anyone else confused? Haha, anyway, Brad from Lizzie's story _is _in this story, _but _he and Dana aren't having their baby yet, which refers back to the previous statement that the two stories do not connect. Alright, my head hurts now:P anyway, just please continue reading, lol :D.**

**---Britannia**

**------**

**Another A/N: This story is kind of based on an episode of 'Friends', called 'The One With The Football', but I've changed a ton of it, mostly the only stuff that's the same is that, they play football in the park with the six of them, (Phil, Keely, Dana, Brad, Via, and James.) And some of the stuff they say is the same, so incase I'm going to be accused of plagiarism, the stuff you recognize was written by Ira Ungerleider, and the stuff you recognize, transcribed by me.**

**----Britannia**

**-----**

It was an autumn day like any other in Boston, Massachusetts for Phil, Keely, and Dana. But, it wasn't just _any _autumn day, it was Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving to some is perfectly normal, but for the Diffys, _nothing _is normal.

Of course, no one can let Phil, Keely, and Dana have Thanksgiving just the three of them, they received endless calls from The MacSpencers, wanting to spend Thanksgiving with them, because Via's parents _insisted _that the twins spend Turkey Day with them, so instead of being alone and pathetic just the two of them, they call Phil and Keely. The three of them were watching the New England Patriots play the New York Giants when Brad made his unexpected entry.

"You know what I don't understand…?" James started

"What?" everyone asked.

"Why New York, which is also a part of _New England _has their own football team, whilst we're forced to share our team with Rhode Island, Vermont, New Hampshire, Delaware, and whatever else is here,"

"Yeah…" Dana says, "But it could be because New York is a lot bigger than the rest of the New England states,"

"True…" James pondered, "But, bigger isn't always better,"

"Ho yeah, _that's _for sure." Keely said as she joined the gang in front of the TV.

"Keely!" Phil said

"What! I didn't say anything!"

"Eeeew_wwww_!" Dana said standing up and walking into the kitchen.

She opened the refrigerator door and took out a can of Dr. Pepper.

"Anyone else want anything?"

The question was followed by a choir of 'no, I'm good, thanks's, and maybe, I'll think about it's. She was just about to sit down when someone knocked on the door.

"Who could that be?" She silently counted everyone in the room, Yep, pretty much everyone they knew was there. She shrugged and opened the door.

"Brad!" She said it with more confusion and shock than actual excitement, "I-I thought you were spending today with your family…"

"Yeah, so did I, but a disaster in the world of the shallow and the insensitive came up, and I bailed, do you mind if have Thanksgiving with you guys?"

"No, not at all, after all we _did_ invite you."

"Hey, Brad. Nice to see you," Keely said as she stood up and walked into the kitchen and stood next to Dana.

"So, Via, James, I don't think you've meet my boyfriend," Dana said taking his hand and walking him to the sitting area, "Via, James, this is Brad. Brad, this is Via, and her husband, James."

"Hello," Via, James, and Brad said

"So…since it's half time, and the weather's nice, and we have a football…" Phil started

"Oh, that would be _so awesome_! It's been like ten years since I've played football!" Keely said, "Oh no, Dana and Phil can't ever do anything competitive, it's like a bloodbath."

"No it isn't! We'll just be on the same team," Dana said

"No, you can't be because you two are the only ones who actually know how to play, so that makes both of you captains. Well, let the bloodbath begin," Keely said.

Once at the park down the street from their house, the six of them sub-grouped to Via, Keely, Dana, and Brad, and Phil and James.

"Okay," Dana started as everyone grouped together, "Mom made a good point when she said Dad and I are the only two here who can actually play football, so that make us captains,"

"And the rest of us Tenille's?" Keely suggested

"Alright, I'm younger so I pick first, Brad."

Brad stood next to Dana, while both Keely and Via looked upset.

"Dana darling, I'm your mother," Keely said

"Don't worry sweetie, you'll get picked. James." Phil said

"Phil!"

"Via." Dana said.

Via felt bad that Keely's own daughter had picked her over Keely, so she kissed Keely on the cheek before joining Dana's team.

"Sweetie, now I pick you," Phil said optimistically to Keely.

"You don't **pick** me, you're **stuck **with me!"

"Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off." Phil said ignoring Keely's comment.

"Huddle up." Dana announces to her team.

"Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me!" Via shouted as she dashed after Brad and Dana. "Oh cool, this is my first huddle."

"Okay-" Dana starts

"So what do you guys really think of Phil?" Via asked

"Okay, Via you know what you're doing right?" Dana asked

"Yeah,"

"Okay, Brad's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block."

"What's block?" Via asked

Dana sighed and said, "Via, I thought you said you knew what you were doing!"

"I thought you meant in life."

She sighs again and says, "Break."

On the other end of the park there is James and Phil, preparing to kick off. Phil is holding the ball between his foot and finger.

"The ball is Via's mother. The ball is Via's mother." as he steps forward to kick the ball, but he kicks Phil's foot instead.

"Oww! Son of a...! Ow! Come on!" Phil yelled.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just gonna throw it." James announced as he threw the ball to kick-off.

"I got it," Brad said as he caught the ball.

"Go! Go! Go!" Via shouted.

Brad ran up the field and faked out Phil, scoring a touchdown. As his team celebrated the touchdown, Keely raced to Phil.

"Are you alright?" she asked

"Yeah. Come on, let's go." he answered

"Losers walk!" Dana said

"Yeah, losers talk," Phil replied

"No, no actually losers rhyme." James said

James comes up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Phil's legs.

"Twenty-three! Seventy-four!"

Upset by the position, Phil stands up and looks at him.

"You wanna go shotgun?" James asked  
"Yeah!" Phil said.

"Hike!" James yelled from the shotgun  
Both Dana and Brad count off, "One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi."  
Keely then ran a quick slant and yelled, "Over here!"

James then threw her the ball, which she dropped.

"Hey! I almost caught that one!" Keely announced very proud of herself.

"Great!" James said in a deadpan fashion, "Now the score's seven to _almost _seven."

"Woo-hoo!" Keely said as she slapped his hand five.

**A/N: It was all going 2 be one chapter, but it ended up being 5 pages, so it'll be two updated the same time, lol**

**---Britannia **


	2. Part Two

They huddle up again, and Phil said to James, "Okay, this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Okay. Break!"

Keely, shocked she didn't get an assignment chased after Phil and said, "Wait! What am I gonna do?"  
"You, you go long." Phil said

"Okay. Wait, how long?" Keely asked

"Until we start to look very small."

"Okay."

"Break."

On the other side of the park, Dana's team has the ball.

"Set…hike!" Brad said

"One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!" Phil yelled  
"No, no, no, no, no!" James said  
At the other end of the park, is Dana and Phil looking impatient because everyone else is talking.

"Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down." Dana said

"Uh, hello, it's _third _down." Phil said

"No it's not, it's second."  
"Wow…!"

"Wow, what?

"It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff like this."  
"Pulling what? It's second down."

"Okay, it's second down." He said as he turned to walk away, "Take all the second downs you need."

"I **heard **that!"

"Well, I said it loud,"

Phil returned to his side of the park with Keely and James.

James was staring at the opposite end of the park where Via, Brad, and Dana were. Even though there was about a seven year age difference between he and Dana, he still admired her from afar. **(A/N: I know you're all thinking, 'Eew! Right? LOL well, James and Via are younger than Phil and Keely, by like…a lot because otherwise that would be totally gross, so please just go along with it:P) **

He didn't want to admit it, be he and Via never really had a spark between them, and he also wouldn't admit he was massively envious of Brad.

"James, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie…" Phil said

"Yeah I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle." Keely said.

"Well ah, you wanna just stay out there?"  
"Can I see that for second?" Keely asked nodding at the football

"Sure." he said, holding it out to her.

Keely took the football and bounces it off Phil's forehead, and James caught the rebound.  
"Okay. Hut! Hike!" Phil yelled.

James ran around behind Phil, who pitched him the ball. James ran upfield, and Brad knocked the ball out of his hands, then said, "Fumble!"

Brad started to return the fumble as James grabbed Brad's shirt and ripped it off of his back.  
"What the hell's the matter with you! This is my favorite jersey."

"Well now you have two." James said  
"Alright, what is going on with you? You've been staring at me like Norman Bates the entire game, and now this! I don't know why, but something tells me this has to do with Dana…"

"No…yeah…well, you aren't good enough for her,"

"Well, at least I'm close to her age and not _married_."

"Well, I think beating you at this would impress her, so you should seriously back down."

"I could back down and _still _beat you. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself."  
"Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!"

"All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two! Thirty-eight! Hike!" Dana said

The timer sounded as Dana threw the ball to Via.  
"Oh I got it!" She shouted as she caught the ball, "Oh! Ew! Broken boob! Ow!"  
"Via, run!" Brad yelled

"Run, Via, run!" Dana yelled

Via ran and scored a touchdown.

"Touchdown! Touchdown!" Via yelled  
"Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count." Phil said  
"After the snap!" Dana snapped  
"Before the snap!" Phil argued  
"After!" Brad yelled

"Before!" James chimed in  
"Now, does it really matter?" Keely asked

Everyone yells at her, "Yes!"  
"Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?" Via said

"Via that's great, doesn't count."

"Does so count!" Dana argued

"Okay, okay, fine, fine! Alright, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Via, the touchdown does count, you win."

"Woo-yay!" Via said

"No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you _might_ be getting mono. Let's just call this, tie score and it's halftime." Dana resolved  
"Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you _know_ I had swollen glands!" Phil stated.

They return to the park for the second half of the game after halftime at the house.

"Come on Via, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious, huddle up. Brad, keep your head in the game." Dana said  
"It's hard, y'know, I have to keep an eye on him," Brad said

"Why…?"

"It's…a long story, and for the best, don't ask."

"Alright look, if I take James out of the running will you be able to focus?"  
"What are you gonna do?"  
"Alright, you just make sure that James catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest."  
"Okay."

"Break!"  
They all assemble to play.

"Here you go!" Brad said as he threw the ball to James.  
"James! James!" Phil yelled, as James caught the ball and started running upfield.

James sashayed by Keely and said, "Hi,"

Just as he got in front Keely, Dana comes up and tackles him.

"Whoa, tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday." Dana said

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling?" Phil asked

"What! I just touched him and he went over!" Dana said

"Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough."

(They both stare each other down as we hear 'Let's get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!' the famous line by Michael Buffer, followed by _Get Ready For This_ by "2 Unlimited.") lol

(A long football sequence follows.)

Sequence 1: Dana throws the ball accidentally over Brad's head to James who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Brad then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.

Sequence 2: Dana runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Phil runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.

Sequence 3: James throws a pass to Phil, who catches it. Via starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.

Sequence 4: Phil hikes the ball to James, and Keely is standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.

Sequence 5: Dana hands the ball off to Via, who runs upfield and delivers a fore-arm shiver to James, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells…

"I love this game!"

On her side of the field Dana stands a bit of a distance from Phil and sings, "Forty-two to twenty-one, like the Turkey, Dad is done!"

"It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team." Phil said  
"You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're winning because I'm better than you." Dana answered  
Phil made a 'Yeah. Right.' sound  
"Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! Alright, y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Brad for Mom, and I'll still win the game."

"Oh that's great, there goes my last thread of self esteem." Keely said

"What! The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Dana, because I'm only down by three touchdowns."  
"Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls."  
"Fine, fine, Keely you're with Dana, Brad, you're with me."  
"I can not believe your trading me!" Keely shouted  
"Come on Mom, let's see what's it like to be on a winning team for a change."  
"Are you gonna let me play?" Keely asked  
"All right then." Dana said, changing the subject.

At the opposite side of the park the guys are in a huddle, Phil says, "The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls."  
"We're not gonna lose to girls." James said  
"Hey! It's 42-21!" Phil said in defense of his argument  
"This sucks, I was just up by that much!" Brad said  
"Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries!" Dana said

**A/N: Okay, actually, it'll be three chapters because this is a long one shot, and I don't want the scroll bar to be one centimeter thin, haha. Oh, and I used a few more lines from the show than I planned to so most of the dialogue credit goes to Ira Ungerleider, one of the writers for 'Friends', I am not a plagiarist, lol. Okay, next chapter of the one shot in few seconds, LOL**

**--Britannia--**


	3. Part Three, and Thee End

Back on the girl's side, the girls are in a huddle. Dana's taking charge and giving them a pep talk, "We have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on the TV while you were making out…"  
"Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too!" Via said

"Come on, okay, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'em!" Dana said  
"Yeah! Kill 'em!" Keely said

"Alright, no, well I want to kill them to, but they're boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?" Via asked.

(Another football sequence follows)

Sequence 1: James is running past Via with the ball, Via flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Via then runs up and takes the ball away.

Sequence 2: Via throws the ball, and it's intercepted by Brad, who starts to run up field. Dana jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn't slow him down. Keely and Via then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.

Sequence 3: James is running with the ball, Via flashes him again, but James covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.  
On the other side of the field at the girls' huddle.  
"Alright, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points. Two points…" Dana says, but is interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five., "Via you do a button-hook again. Mom, you go long."  
"No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me!" Keely said  
"Mom, there's a reason."   
"God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too." Keely protested  
"Come on Dane, let her throw the ball."  
"Alright Mom, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Via. Alright. Break."  
"Thank you! Break!" Keely said jumping up and down in celebration that she can actually participate.

"Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!" Dana shouted  
Via snaps the ball to Dana, who pitches back to Keely.

The Guys count off, "One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!"  
They all rushed toward Keely, who panicked and ran away. She ran out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Dana, as she got to Dana, she throws the ball at Dana, and it inadvertently hit her in the eye.  
"I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Keely said  
"No! I'm not okay!" Dana answered  
"I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, and I didn't know what to do!" Keely said in her defense.

Brad looks at the timer and announces, "Thirty seconds left on the timer!"

"Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of time! Huddle up!" Dana said

"Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle," Via said  
"Alright, Via get open. Mom, go long."  
"Okay," although her voice sounded like she was on the verge of tears.  
"Break!" Dana said

In slow motion, Via snaps the ball, Keely goes long. Brad and James are all over Via, leaving Keely wide open. Phil starts to rush Dana, who sees Via is double covered, in desperation she throws to Keely. The ball sails through the air, and then Keely runs underneath it, and Via, James, and Brad staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Keely catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Via and Dana erupt in celebration.  
"I got a touchdown! We did it!" Keely shouts with a great amount of triumph  
"We did do it! I beat Dad!" Dana shouted as she did a cartwheel in celebration, "No, wait, _you_ beat him, Mom."

"No, _we _beat them! Women RULE!" Keely shouted, hugging Dana, then they reached out and hugged Via.

After about twenty minutes of non-stop screaming happily, and singing and celebrating coming from the winning female team, they all decided to return to the Diffy house. In which the celebrating did not cease.

Upon arriving at the house they all collapsed into chair and on couches. A day long football game can be tiring. Before even thinking about eating, they all chatted idly while regaining some strength.

"Okay, since no one can move, why don't we just eat _here._" Keely suggested pointing to the coffee table in the center of the chairs and couches in the living room.

"Good idea." Everyone seemed to say at once.

"Okay, who's going to help me…?" Keely asked

"Me, I guess." Dana said

"Oh, I'll help too!" Via said

Keely cleared her throat in a staged fashion in Phil's direction.

"Me? Oh, okay, I'll help you too," Phil said leaping up from the chair he was sitting in.

They all brought the entire homemade Thanksgiving feast to the coffee table, which was a bit of a challenge considering that it consisted of a very large turkey, a very large bowl of stuffing, mashed potatoes, carrots, peas, rolls, and an assortment of desserts.

"Oh my God, Keely how long did it take you to make all of this? This is amazing!" Via said

"Like six days. But I couldn't've done it without the help of my multi-talented daughter," Keely answered

"I sure hope Eve is as great as Dana," Via said

"I do too, I don't know what I'd do without my Dana," Keely said as smiled and put her arm around Dana.

"None of us do," Phil and Brad said unintentionally at the same time, then looked at each other like, 'Oh, _GOD.'_

Dana rolled her eyes and said, "I love you guys,"

"We love you too," they all said.

_**Thee End**_

**A/N: kind of a funny ending, but I didn't know how else to end it! LOL**

**Until the next time,**

**Britannia**


End file.
